Dung

Thanks to my amazingly intelligent brother, I now know that the first known contraceptive device was crocodile dung used by the ancient Egyptians. What my amazing brother neglected to tell me was, HOW crocodile dung is used for this purpose. I can't imagine in my feeble little mind, how one would pound dung so flat that it makes a filmy material like rubber which is then formed into an odd shaped sheath and worn on certain secret parts of the body.

I must instead imagine that the dung was used in some way other than the one my modern mind expects. So what did they do? How would one use crocodile dung - or any dung for that matter - as a contraceptive device? Eat it? Put it inside strategic areas of your body? Surely not. I can't imagine Egyptians being that silly.

Now, I can picture ancient Egyptian fathers using the dung to smear around their daughter's bedrooms as a deterrent against the runaway hormones of ancient Egyptian cruising teen dudes. Maybe some ancient Egyptian women used the dung as a sort of lipstick or facial covering, or maybe a hair cream. I'm sure that would have stopped your average ancient Egyptian romantic, though the lady wouldn't have looked very much like a lady.

Intrigued, I looked up contraceptive devices on the internet. Though I didn't find crocodile dung, I did find that cow dung mixed with honey and placed inside the vagina actually was used as a form of birth control. One article about dung gave me this quote: "One can only imagine how it worked, possibly by changing PH levels and as a result acting as a spermacide, or possibly by causing an infection that would cause a miscarriage."

Even if there was a legitimate way to do this, how in the heck did they ever figure it out? What were they doing to cause them to learn about poop? Do you think they were looking for contraception or were they looking for ways to use crocodile dung? Maybe they had a lot of crocodiles hanging around and the backyard was piled up with little brown mounds.

We have dogs. If we could find a productive way to use dog dung we would be thrilled, but we certainly don't go around testing its use in different situations just to see if it works. 'Glad you dropped by Dean, here, rub some of this dog poop on your face and let's see if you get rid of that cold.'

I think that would be a bad idea. I think that would be Dean's last visit.

People dung has always been a challenge in history. Take John Wayne for instance.
The epitome of cowboys can teach us a lot about the old days. How men of the Old West were tough as barbed wire, mean as a hungry snake and chapped in the ass.

Yes, that's right. Imagine ol' John'swalk. He walked with his legs all bowed and his spine all straight. Like someone stuck a stick up his backside and left it there. That comes from never being able to wipe your ass.

All the old cowboys looked and walked like that because they didn't have anything handy to wipe with. That was back in the days before Sears and Roebuck were even born. You see these cowboys taking off on wagont rains and on their horses, they carry only a couple of saddle bags. Those bags had to contain only a heavy coat, a couple of changes of clothes and maybe a handy book "All About Cows". There wouldn't be enough room to carry toilet paper. Hell, paper wouldn't last very long even if they did carry it and even if it had been invented yet.

Just imagine Clint Eastwood - the faces he makes - the way he walks - never wiped his butt in his life I'll betya. And shitters. Where are you gonna find shitters.I've seen all the old movies and I've never seen a shitter that someone wasn't running from because it blew up, caught fire or was knocked over. Of course, hardy cowboy types wouldn't need shitters, they'd just crap in the road. But what would they wipe with. Grass. Weeds. Leaves. Yea, sure but what about crossing the desert? Where's the wipes out there?

In Egypt they told us not to eat with our left hand. And don't wave to anyone with your left hand or you could get killed. That's because, when they're out in the desert (and Egypt seems to have a bunch of desert) they simply wipe messy bottoms with their left hand.I just don't see our American cowboys wiping with their hands. They've gotta drink coffee and shoot and eat beef and potatoes with them hands. I know our guys. They didn't wipe at all.

Jimmy Stewart - "Well, well, wel we, uh, uh this, this this thing here would be so much easier if i could just wi wip wipe my asss".

That's why horses were so popular.Those poor cowboys rode shitty around the west for many years before an old Polish cow hand - straight off the boat from Gdansk Poland, a guy named Sigmund Hakulska rode with a wagon train across the Kansas plains towardOregon. It didn't take him long to notice that lots of people shit, but nobody wiped. He spent a lot of time upwind of that wagon train until he realized that, even tho there's no paper and even tho there's too much cactus and not enough corn cobs, there was plenty of horse's tails.He jumped right down and dropped his pants right down and commenced to wipe his shitty buttocks. The men saw this and said - "hey, now we can wipe our asses"and the day was saved and the west was saved And because of him, the road was open for the Scott brother's invention of toilet paper.