Call me

We get a lot of phone calls.
Ms Donna has her walkaround phone and I have mine, then we have the land line. We keep that wired one, the land line that ties you to the house, because, uh, I forget why. We get a lot of junk calls on it. Mostly we don't even answer it. Just let anybody who calls, leave an earmail and we'll get back with them if we want. Most of the time we don't want. Most of the time it's a recording or a quick hangup.

They call us to sell us siding.
They call us to tell us there's nothing wrong with our credit card but we really need to give them a return call.
They call us to tell us they can reduce our interest, our insurance, our expenses. I'm only interested in the one who will reduce our phone calls.

Mostly I just ignore them but sometimes I like to play. I'll answer and ask them for their phone number. No, not the business phone, I want their home phone number. They're calling me at home while they're at work. To be fair, I want to call them at home while I'm at work. They say they can't give me their home phone number. I say, "Why not? You have mine."

Sometimes I get irritated and gripe at them. "Why don't you get a real job instead of this one that bothers people? Don't you have any skills? Can't you learn an honest trade?" I have a job, they retort. This one.
And I say "A burglar has a job too. But it isn't right to go rummaging through someone's underwear drawer looking for money to steal and it isn't right to bother people in the relaxation of their home looking for money to steal."

When the Do Not Call list first came out there were over 200 million people who signed up for it. There are about 307 million people in the U.S. That means that MOST phones in the U.S. were added to that list. So the majority of people in the U.S. have said they don't want these solicitors bothering them at home. These people call folks at home pressing their services knowing full well that most people don't want to hear from them. That's inconsiderate. That's rude. That's thoughtless. They make me (and hundreds of millions of others) mad. So I don't mind being rude with them.

Sometimes I just say "Hey, could you wait a minute?" Or I say "Hold please." And then set the phone down and walk away.

I have a business too. It's called Bob & Donna's Listening Service.

"ThankyouforcallingBob&Donna'sListeningService. Asyouprobablyalreadyknowit'stendollarsforthefirstminuteandfivedollarsforeachadditionalminute. Fiftydollarsforrudehangupsandfiftydollarsforweekendcalls. Since this is not a weekend YOU HAVE ALREADY SAVED YOURSELF FIFTY DOLLARS!

And here's a quick review of our service. You will present to us your sales pitch and we will listen to the entire thing in a professional manner, then we'll grade your presentation using our unpatented Laborious Listening License. We'll grade your presentation and include a personal patronizing perusal of your approach. We'll offer a critique designed for you alone. All this will be sent to your own home in an unmarked, brown paper package that is ENTIRELY FREE, you pay nothing but shipping."

So now, may I please have your billing address?

Sometimes, if they're still on the line, they tell me they have no billing address. I say that we can't possibly do business unless they give me their billing address.
Sometimes they proceed with their presentation, at which time I'll either allow them to continue so that I can critique them (if it's a company that I'm familiar with) or I may argue with them saying that I really must have their address if they expect to do business with me. After all, how can companies to business without a billing address.

Then, if I am bored or if I feel the need for further entertainment, I'll bill them. I'll even send late notices when they ignore the bill.

I have sent a few bills in the past but only one got a response. It was a local photography company. The owner called me. He wanted to know what the bill was for. I told him that the girl who called me had ample opportunity to refuse my business offer and I explained twice to her that if she stayed on the line then that constituted a contract and I would hold her to it. She ignored me and continued with her sales pitch so the company owed me the money and I needed to let him know that in Oklahoma, I could sue him for the fees. He hung up. Never heard from him again.