Gas up the world

There's this news story.
Talks about dinosaurs.  Talks about a study published in Current Biology that large dinosaurs contributed to the greenhouse effect millions of years ago.  They contributed by farting up 570 million tons of methane into the air and caused a bit of global warming of their own. And the world was about 18 degrees warmer than it is now.  The world was literally crawling with prehistoric, dinasouric gas monsters.

Can you imagine that?  A brontasaurus was often 75 feet long.  A saropad, I think, is what a bronto is, and they weigh more than a hundred tons.  To feed a hundred tons you'd need a couple of rain forests a day.  We can only imagine the stuff that they tried to chomp down.  Who knows what kind of gas they conjured up from deep inside those bodacious brontosauric bellies.  Imagine the devastation of any forms of life that might be downwind of such a creature when it's time to vent.  How loud.  How windy.  How overwhelmingly explosive must be their farts.  And the smell.  Well, hell, the smell. 

No wonder mankind didn't live at the time of reptilian dinosaurs.  Who could?  I remember many times I nearly died in the back seat of Mom's station wagon when my brother tortured me with his decomposing burrito expulsions.  Can you imagine being near a 75 foot, 100 ton FART?  How disgusting.  How cool.

And now they're saying that farting cows make a major contribution to global warming.  But aren't there more people than cows?  What about farting people?  People are everywhere all over this world.  Fast food is also spreading around the world.  Fast food is one of my main fart creating pasttimes.  Couldn't that be the reason for global warming?  More people fart than drive cars.  More people poot than use air conditioning.  And there are more people than there are farting livestock.  Stop blaming industry for this world's warming problems.  Let's put the blame where it belongs.  Let's blame ourselves, the real farters.

Make me president of this fine nation and I can save us and the rest of the world.  Just make a law.  Put Pepcid in the water supply and settle those gurggly bellies down.  We can stop all this nasty bile and stop the bickering and stop worrying about the world.   All I'll ask is a little bit of stock.  Stock in the antacids of the land.  Isn't it worth that to stop global warming?