Pills you can live on

I'm an old guy.
A seasoned gentleman, let's say.
The older I get the more pills I have to take.  Just got a letter from my doctor yesterday that said I need another lab test and - between the lines - seems to suggest that I'll soon have to take another pill.

I take more pills right now than a college freshman.
And have a lot less fun.

I'm even taking pills because of the pills I take.

'They' have studied what happens if you drink too much coffee and if you eat too much beef and if you eat too little fruit and if you live on candy or beer or fast-food.  But has anyone ever studied exactly what happens to you if you eat too much of that stuff that they make pills with? 

No, I'm not talking about active ingredients.  Let's consider potassium for instance.  If you're low on potassium and you take a potassium pill that's a good thing.  If the pill were made up of only potassium that would be just perfect.  But they're not.  The pills have potassium in them but they have other stuff too.  Stuff to hold the pill together.  Stuff to make it look like a pill.  Stuff to put the potassium on, or in, or whatever.  Look on the pill bottle.  There's nothing there that says what else is in the pill other than potassium.  What do they make the pill with?  What will that stuff do to you if you eat it every day?

You might say, well that's no big deal.  There's not that much mystery stuff in one little pill.  I agree.  Until you get older.  And you start taking one little pill over and over and over and over.  Every day and night.  Along with other little pills and other ones and other ones and other ones.  Pretty soon you could be O.D.ing on stuff that nobody ever talks about.  Stuff that has no studies on it.  You might die of something with nobody knowing what.  I've never heard of anyone dying because they overdosed on pill stuff.  That's not to say it doesn't happen.  I'm just pointing out that nobody ever considers it.  Maybe it's about time they should.

So that brings up my new idea for retirement income.  I've decided to make pills myself.  I'm going to keep the potassium and/or whatever active ingredient that you've been told you need but I'm going to dump the 'stuff' that they stuff pills with now.  And I'm going to replace it with really healthy stuff.  I'll replace the unknown quantities of unknown substances with beans and asparagus and brocolli and stuff like that.  That way, when you get old like me and have to take tons of pills every day and night like me you can get a healthy kick from them along with your health benefits.  Why, you could reach a point in later life where you don't need to waste time cooking and eating at all.  Just take your pills. 

I can save the world.
Save you a fortune by eliminating the need to eat and save your life while saving your life.

Watch for it.
I'll be serving your daily doses soon.