Wipe with What?

I read it in the news just like it was real news.
But I was disappointed at first, that I didn't think of it. I would have used it as a joke. Saturday Night Live is probably jealous too.
It's that news about Cheryl Crow.
No wonder Lance dumped her.
She's against global warming. She wants to save the world.
She says that we should all cut back on usage of toilet paper. We should try to use only one sheet per visit "...except of course on those pesky occasions where 2 or 3 would be required."

I'm not sure Ms Crow is legitimately sane. I'm not sure that she's actually sat on a stool and done a hefty number 2 and tried to clean up with only one flimsy little square of the Scott brothers civilization salvation. But I did.
Just a while ago, after reading the article that told me I'm using way too much crap cleanup, I went to the boy's room and did a thing. I tried only one sheet. I'm back here now at my desk and I'll have to say I'm not so sure this is the way to go in the future. Though I am sure that I need a shower.
Maybe she wasn't talking to man. Maybe she was just talking about the tiny little wee thing that ladies do. Maybe that's how she can use only one itty bitty sheet. Guys don't have to worry about that when the event is only a number one. Guys are simply more efficient at that. Nothing says we really have to clean up at all (other than hand washing). The reason for that, of course, is that God is a man. One doesn't imagine God sitting on the potty trying to decide how many sheets to use.

I suppose that gals don't really do that much when they do number 2. When I was growing up I honestly thought that girls didn't do number 2 at all. I didn't believe they farted either (if 1 is peeing and 2 is pooping what is farting?). Of course I did find out later that gals farted. It was during a very uncomfortable situation with my cousin in the back seat of a car, but I still can't imagine Beth Dahlstrom (my first grade sweet dream) doing it.

Ms Crow has another idea too. Designer clothing that doubles as napkins. She says napkins are a waste of earthly resources. She wants to make clothes with "dining sleeves". No need to use the earth-wasting napkin, just wipe with your sleeve. I'll have her know I invented that one many years ago. I will cut that out and show it to Ms Donna the next time she tries to call me a slob.

I'm sorry but I think all this is just a load of crap. First of all, mankind has been trying for thousands of years to influence the weather. We can't even make it rain, let alone fry the world. I'm not a scientist but I just don't think we're capable of changing the weather patterns of this huge world. Do we really wipe so much that the earth is melting down? Well maybe on weekends I might. But the world is not one big weekend.
I'll believe the story about farting cows before I can accept this wipey downy thing.

Remember what they told us about the Egyptian Bedoins. They wiped with sand. I always thought that John Wayne did too. Don't laugh, just go watch an old movie, that's why he walked that way. And Clint Eastwood, he did it for fun. Still does. Why else would he have such a constant facial expression.
That's the answer right there. I'm going to start a stand. A sand stand. I'll sell sand on the street corner "HELP WITH GLOBAL WARMING - USE SAND".
I can sell it in "sanditary" little bags - biogradable of course. Two cents a bag. You can buy all you need. I can set the stands up in the washrooms of hotels and airports. Franchise out to those strange looking little men who stand in fancy bathrooms and hand out towels for tips.
I think this is my way out. Out of the workforce and into the vanguard of protecting the world.

BOB'S BUTT SAND.
SAVE THE WORLD.

I think it'll work.