Food Conspiracy

Don't eat that sandwich. Food is a consipiracy.
One of the oldest and most successful.
Long long ago a bunch of poor farmers got together and decided to pull the biggest trick in the world on the world. They got a kid and fed that kid some milk.
Fed him every day all day long and it wasn't long before that kid was addicted to milk just as a person would get addicted to any other drug if you fed it to them constantly for a long period of time. Then it was relatively easy to graduate the kid from milk to the hard stuff.

Soon other kids were indoctrinated also. They were fed milk and veggies and burgers and peanut butter and any kind of food that the farmers could get hold of and before too long a whole generation of kidlings were addicted to food.

Now nobody knows better. Now everyone's addicted. But you really don't need to eat food. It's just a con. A cruel hoax brought on by farmers so that they would have a market for their plants and ducks and cows and things that they grow on their farms.

Ah but you say no, Bob no, people who don't eat die. That's why we need to eat. Not because we're addicted.

But I day, AHA, see? They've got you. If you give a person heroin every day for 20 years and then take it away from them abruptly they would die too. The withdrawals would be horrible and they couldn't survive, just the same as withdrawals from no food.

It's time we fought back. Time to keep the kids away from the hellish existance of pizza parties and hot dog eating contests. Time to stop that popcorn and cracker snacks. It's time to say no to what they grow.

I say the only way we can beat them is to hide our kids starting at the very beginning. Don't stick that bottle of milk in their mouth. Keep that titty covered. Keep that horrible drug away from your kids. Don't let them get addicted. As years go by they'll thank you. Hundreds of thousands of dollars will be saved in their lifetimes and you'll be the one to thank.

My kids? No, I never had any.
No really, I never had any kids.
You can't find any trace of em.
No, there's no proof.
No proof at all.