Packaging

Dear International Packaging Company,

I am writing this letter to challenge you and to stand up before you in defiance.

Ages ago your product packaging was so flimsy and dismal that we often found products ruined by your complacency. I'm guessing that many letters like this one, complaining about your demeaning attitude and apathetic wrapping caused you to get angry. I'm guessing that now you have declared some sort of war, as it were, with griping consumers like myself and now your new thrust is to make your packaging so unflimsy, and so non-dismal that simple human beings can't possibly break into it without destroying the product itself.

I'm wondering if somewhere, sometime in the past you found that psychotic engineer who invented aspirin packaging and you have cloned him/her and are keeping them in some undisclosed location where they spend trillions of thought processes making sure that no one in the world can access your packaged goods.

My goodness, we need a government study to see how many poor and helpless senior citizens have starved to death in kitchens loaded with food because they either can't read the tiny instructions or they can't open there where the package says 'OPEN HERE'.

I'm not a cocaine user and so my fingernails are not long enough to grab those two sides of my plastic bacon package and pull it apart. I will pull and slip and drop and curse and scream and cry every time I try. In frustration I'll finally pull out a knife and rip the whole damnit package apart and rewrap it in good old Baggies stowaways. Why does it have to be that way?

And what's the deal with cans? Cans that now have the new "Easy Open" technology? Hell, I don't think I've EVER pulled one of those silly silver tabs and actually opened the can. Then I try the good old dependable can opener and your dang newfangled can crumbles under the threat. What the heck is that all about?

Why is it that when I buy something from the Walmart and get it home to take it apart (in order to put it back together without the packaging), why is it that the packaging is so dang strong that there's no way in the world to get into it without recently sharpened scissors or knives? And then I'll often break some part of it before I can get in. Or sometimes I'll just spill the product(s) all over the floor and wall and carpet because the package finally and unexpectedly rips open.

And those pills good God, the ones in the blister packs? I may die of cholesterol sludge before I get the next one opened so that I can swallow it down.

This letter is not just to complain to you. This letter is to challenge you. I am getting into your products. Yes, there it is, probably your biggest fear. I actually do get into your packaging even though you were probably so sure you were keeping me out. Now you'll have to concentrate on making an acceptable product because there is someone out here after all, who can get past your obstacles of packaging.

And I expect to continue to break in no matter how hard you try to keep me out.

I'm going to invent a new household appliance. And I'll sell it on the Internet to everyone around the world. A toolbelt of sorts, that can be conveniently worn around the home and it will carry all the tools needed to break into your deviously constructed casings. This toolbelt will hold various types of knives and scissors and sledges and plastic explosives and IED's and anything else I can find that we might use to thwart your deceitful and devious ways.

That's how I can finally retire.
Watch for my ads.
I can sell the toolbelt mass-produced and safely shrinkwrapped in very strong plastic to keep it safe.

Follow me brothers and sisters.
Together we shall open the world.