Bob's Listening Service

WELL, SONOFAGUN.
I just wrote this thing twice.
That's a senior thing isn't it.


Each of us carries a phone, as most people do today. And then we have the wired one, that old fashioned thing, the one that used to be backed by the 'only phone company in town'. We keep it for, uh, I don't know why we keep it.

We rarely answer it.

Sometimes friends or family will call and leave a message. They know we'll listen to it later. Sometimes we'll call out on it. We keep it there for some reason. I'm sure it's a good one.

Lots of people call. Lots of people who don't know us call. Those people call because they are inconsiderate and thoughtless and selfish and cruel and crappy people unworthy of being politely called people. We put our name on the "Don't Call List" years ago and I understand that periodically one needs to renew membership to the list. That's why we are no longer on it. "They" - those who make laws. Were clearly paid or coerced in some way, to let it expire so that people like us would allow it to lapse and assholes like them could resume invading our lives with sales calls.

Sometimes I answer that phone just so that I can give salesassholes a piece of my mind. They begin talking all at once and they talk fast. They try to jam as much information into my ear as they can before I can react. That's because they know that most people don't want them to call. I even tell them that. I tell them that when the don't call list first came out over 200 million people signed up for it. That means, with 300 million people in the U.S., that means most people do not want them to call. They know most people don't want them to call and yet they continue to do so. They make a living calling people who don't want it. That isn't a job, that's a crime.

They say "It's my job" when I complain to them. They say "I make more money than you do". when I say they should get a real job. I say "It's a burglar's job too, to go into your house and sort through your wife's underwear drawer but that doesn't make it right".

I ask them for their home phone number. They "can't give it" to me, they say. Well, why not, they have mine. It's only fair that I wait until I'm at work and they're at home and then I will call them. If they want to talk with me that bad then they'll give me their home phone number so I can call them then.

The most fun one I have is Bob and Donna's Listening Service.
They call and I say,
"Thank you for calling Bob and Donna's Listening Service. As you probably already know it's $5.00 for the first minute and $10.00 for each additional minute. $50.00 for rude hangups and $50.00 for weekend or holiday calls. Since today is Not a weekend or holiday then you have ALREADY SAVED YOURSELF FIFTY DOLLARS.

Now I'd like to remind you of the details of our service. You are welcome to take as much time as you like and give us your sales pitch. We'll listen to all you have to say and then we'll grade your presentation using our unpatented Legal Listening License. Then we'll return to you, in an unmarked manila envelope, the grade and a personal critique about your sales pitch and the person presenting it.

By now they've either hung up or they are already starting to talk about their product. I have to interrupt them to ask for their billing address. They will usually not give it me. I need to insist that they give it. I say "How can we do business if we don't have a billing address". I never listen to them fully without the billing address. When, on those rare occasions, I get a billing address I send the company a bill. I've even sent late notices. It's actually legal in Oklahoma if I offer the service to a person and that person remains on the line to give me a sales pitch and I send them a critique, they owe me and I can theoretically take them to court for recovery.

Only one company has ever responded to a bill. It was a photography studio in Tulsa. The owner called me. He wanted to know why he was getting the bill. I explained it to him. Sent him some late notices. I never got another call from him.