Fulla puss? Ewwww

Boy I saved your butts.
First there was that earthquake and then a hurricane.
We all know that tragedy happens in sets of three, so now all of you are probably waiting for the next disaster to drop.

But I saved ya.

Been lying around in luxury for a while this week. A T.V. just for me, a doohickey that turns it on and off and that turns the light on and off and that calls people to wait on me. And they arrive quickety split. I've been in a small-town hospital.

The third tragedy. I saved your butts.

Months ago I got sick from bad soy milk. I use soy in my cereal because I'm intolerant and real milk would make the world go away. Tasted alright but shoot, it made me really dang sick. Or something did. Lasted all evening. Next morning I was just fine again.

A month or two later I got sick the same way. Shoot. And I just did twenty laps in the pool that day. I was not feeling ill at all and then I was sickasadog. Well, wait. Dogs just throw up and eat it and move on. So I was sicker.
I stayed home from work the next day but got better real quick.

And last Thursday I did laps again and ate a great lunch. About 3:30 I got sick again. Stomach hurt, sickly. Thought I was going to throw up. I thought, gee, what is it with the laps? I left work and went to the drug store and got Pepto Bismol. Went home, which is a 45 minute drive and went straight to bed. I lay there moaning for about fifteen minutes and then doubled over and twisted up and said 'Shit' with pain. Felt like somebody had stabbed me with a dull knife and now was twisting it.
I realized I needed to get somewhere medical real fast. Drove about 25 miles to Owasso, which is a pretty good sized suburb of Tulsa. I barely dragged myself into the emergency room and made it up to the counter where I told the girl that I "...think I'm dying or something". Told her I had a pain like I've never had before.
She smiled. Gave me 4 pages of paper and said "Go sit over there and fill this out. Someone will call your name in a moment".
I think you all know how I feel about 'moments'. But, what could I do.

They got me in a room and made me get naked and get covered with that robe that doesn't cover. A doc poked me. A CRT scanned me. A doctor laproscoped me.

I woke up in the luxury bed. For days they repeatedly asked me if I had pooped yet. "How can I poop", I said, "when you only give me broth and cream of wheat and jello". "I can pee for ya".

I had been at home for a while before I did poop. But then, you don't want to hear about that. Well, I'll tell you anyway. It was serious industrial pooping. I think they fill you up with CO2 when you get an appendectomy. So I not only had gas but I had supremely powerful gas that was very interested in escaping. All day long the first day home I was projectile pooping. I kept sending Ms Donna outside and away so that I could rush into the bathroom and blow out my afterburners.

Had to lay around for a few days because I have this bad heart valve and they said that my appendix was infected. Said I was fulla puss. Said I've had this for a long time.

Well I'll be dern. Fulla puss.
I've known lotsa people in life that were fulla puss. Never thought it would be me too.