Breathalyzer

We went to the casino.  Neither one of us like to gamble because we work too hard for the money.  To give it away to rich Injuns that I don't know seems silly to me. 

But we like The Band Perry.  When I accompanied Ms. Donna to see Rascal Flatts we saw TBP as a warm-up group.  I could've gone home after they were done.  Rascal Flatts was ok.  But only ok.  TBP rocked.  I love 'em. 

So that's why we went to the casino.  I got there to wait to meet Donna.  I had a glass of beer.  Then we ate.  I drank iced tea.  Then, after dinner I had a glass of beer.  We went into the concert arena where I had a very small glass of wine.  The concert lasted two hours.  When it was over I had a cup of coffee.  Then we decided it was time to go home.  Each of us were in different cars because I came from work and she, from home.  So we set out in our separate cars.

There's a division of the highway where you can go south for south Tulsa or you can go north for north Tulsa.  I should have gone north but went south.  "Oh crap."  Well ok, I'll just take the next exit and get back on the highway going north.

I took the next exit.  It landed me down into a questionable portion of town.  I went where the weirdos go.  Going through a traffic circle that had lots of construction cones, I was looking northward trying to figure out when I could turn up the road and get back on the highway.  While doing this I didn't pay very close attention to my driving.  A police officer did.

He pulled me over.  First thing he did was hold something, I guess it was an ink pen, up to my eyes.  "Follow this with your eyes and don't move your head."  He moved it around and waaaay too far out of my line of vision.  He moved it back and forth for a while.  Then he took my driver's license.  I called Ms. Donna. "I've been stopped by a cop..." 
"Put that down. Put everything down and get out of the car".  Ok.  I put it all down in the car seat.  "Take off your glasses". 

"I'm going to give you a field sobriety test.  Have you ever had one before?"
"No sir."  I get very respectful when someone with a gun talks strict with me.
"Have you had anything to drink tonight?" 
"Yessir.  Two beers". 
"Just two beers? You sure were driving erratically back there.  Are you sure you want to stick with two beers?" 
"Yessir.  Two beers."
"I want you to stand with your left foot on that line.".
"Yessir".
"Now I want you to stepoff10stepswhilemakingsureyoustayonthatlineandthenattheendIwantyoutomakeaseriesofsmallstepswhileturningaround
andthenstepoff10stepsintheotherdirection".
"Excuse me?"
"I said I want you to take ten steps. Stay on that line.  When you get to the end I want you to take a series of small steps while you turn around.  Then I want you to return ten steps back to where you started".  I started. 
"Stay on the line".
"Yessir".
I started to start again.  "Keep your left foot on that line."
"Yessir".
I started again.  "Put one foot in front of the other."
"Not like that. Heel to toe, heel to toe."
I started again.  I wasn't very good at it.  Not drunk.  Just no good at trying to walk a straight line on a crappy road with cowboy boots on that I didn't wear often.  I tried to explain that.  He said that I could take the boots off.  That would mean sitting down and wrestling with them.  I would feel even more stupid than I was feeling already. 
Finally I did it.  I walked the line.
I thought I did it well.
I guess he didn't.
"Now raise your left foot and hold it there until I say stop."
I tried.  Damned boots again.  I couldn't hold my foot up for very long.
"Now close your e yes and lean your head back and wait for 30 seconds.  After 30 seconds drop your head down and say "Done".
I did.
He asked, "How did you figure that was 30 seconds?" 
"I counted".
"I want to give you a breathalyzer test.  Do you wish to take one?"
"Well I understand that I'm not supposed to take one".
"Who told you that?"
"Well I've read it on the Internet", I said while he was putting handcuffs on me.
"So you want to refuse the breathalyzer test?" 
I thought better of it.
"Ok, I'll take it."  Thinking that would encourage him to remove the cuffs.
It didn't.
Still without glasses or ID, he put me into the cop car.
Called another cop.  They checked my car and then parked it in front of the all night dirty-bookstore arcade.  How nice.  My billfold laying on the seat.
We drove to the East Side cop shop. 
Still in handcuffs he got me out of the car and took me inside.  He read me a statement saying that he was going to give me a breathalyzer.
He gave me one.  I blew into a tube after he made a point of putting on a new and sanitary mouthpiece.  We waited a few minutes while the machine made noises.  Some of the noises made me think I was setting off danger bells.  It sounded to me like it thought I didn't belong on the roads.

After the minutes he must've gotten the results back.  He didn't say anything, just stood me back up with the cuffs still on.  He marched me back out to the car.  Put me inside, still in cuffs.  I assumed that we were now headed downtown.  We drove back to my car and he let me out and took off the cuffs and told me that I was very lucky tonight.

I said good night.  Have a nice day. Gave thanks to the Lord. Drove home and had a beer.