Things cars need

I just read an inspiring email from Jay (Jay Yurth, Amazon.com).  It was inspiring because it talked about something he would like to invent for cars and I too, have thought about things that need to be invented for cars.  Jay's invention, one that I would happily vote for in the real world, deals very nicely with the problem when people roll through red lights.  Specifically, in Jay's case, the rolling red light turn.  Some people don't understand what it means to stop at a red light.  Think of it this way; a stop is like a period at the end of this sentence.  See?  The sentence stopped.  What too many people do is more like a comma.  They come to the light and look around and zoom on, never enforcing the period.


I agree with Jay about idiots at intersections.  Non-stopping is a problem but sometimes stopping is also a problem.  Do you have any Yield signs?  Invented in Tulsa Oklahoma, where I grew up.  'Yield' does not mean stop.  My wife can't seem to understand this.  She argues with me that 'Yield' is different from 'Yield Right of Way'.  She says when you yield right of way you stop and when you yield you look around while rolling and then continue.  I want to say 'Bullshit'.  But why would I want to ruin my life?


I also hate those idiots who, when sitting at a four-way stop, wave their hands to 'allow' you to move on.  What they're really saying is, "I'm too stupid to know what to do here so I'll just create a dangerous situation and let you get out of here before I go."  I make nasty faces at them and say dirty things as I very carefully edge forward to move on.


Well the reason I'm writing this here is that I have thought of things that cars need too.  I still plan to invent the AutoApron.  Don't you hate it when you are rushing around trying to get 'there' on time and you drop breakfast burrito goo right on your favorite shirt?  Now you've gotta go the rest of the day with smear upon your person.  Well the AutoApron can prevent that.  I'll make it so that it has cushioned hooks that you safely hang over any car seat-back.  The hooks will be U shaped and flexible so that they'll fit anywhere.  On those hooks will be a small material roll that you just grab and pull across your chest creating a protective apron over your nice clean clothes.  Then attach it with Velcro.  There you are.  Protected from makeup, baby vomit, cheese, seed burns and all other invasions inherent with the driving experience.  But then I think, well hell, you could just take a towel.


So the other thing I want to invent is a thingy like taxi cabs have.  It fits on the top of the car and inside the car is a selection mechanism where you can choose from a menu of insults to be directed at idiot drivers.  If someone cuts you off you can just select "Hey Idiot - Learn to drive".  And it will flash with lights and colors of course.  If someone is travelling too close you can simply select "Get off my Ass you Prick".  See a hot girl?  "Go home with me baby".  See her boyfriend?  Just select "Please dial 911".  So many applications for this one.


Another invention that will certainly pop up soon.  'Text the Territory' is what I'll call it.  An app that allows you to text the occupants of certain cars on the road around you and insult them.  Or ask them out.  Whatever is your mood at the time.


Some people feel that James Bond type cannons and blades extruding from you car would be useful but I think things like that should be left for terrorist organizations or Donald Trump devotees.


Now that I'm retired I can start working on all these fine ideas.  Just as soon as I wake up from the next nap.